A glimpse of another Me
Dec. 8th, 2018 06:04 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
birdspiritlandI went into Portland today to grab a new thermostat for Victoria. Tyson was helping me to move all of the reptile thermostats onto a pegboard for easier access, and so they weren't all just on the floor doing whatever. In the course of this, for no reason that we can discern, Victoria's stopped working. None of the pet shops here really specializes in reptiles, so I had to run into Portland to grab a new one from Pets on Broadway. Thankfully they had one in stock.
But that's not really the story here.
Upon going into Portland and ending up in the Burnside/heading east area, I got hit by what I can only describe as a wave of combined nostalgia, wistfulness, and bittersweetness. I'm still trying to figure out how to put this into words, but it felt like looking back in time to see a past or parallel me that was living in Portland, had way less possessions, and was maybe living with Katrina, or going to college, or still living with Ryan and Tyson, or maybe even just on my own? It felt like being hit in the face with my past self. Being reminded of what I loved about the city in an overwhelming and bittersweet way. Like, looking at all of the shops and the people shopping in them, and thinking, "Oh, this could be me. Or this could have been me."
I felt tossed back to college days, to moving out on my own for the first time, and the possibilities that hadn't solidified yet? Like I could have been shopping at all the little vintage shops, and eating at cafes, and not having a car, and buying small, simple, cute Christmas ornaments for my small Christmas tree. Maybe looking at a heavily romanticized version from in my head of having little money in Portland, but being happy and content? And man, it just hit me over the head like a ton of bricks. I almost felt like crying.
I don't dislike the life that I live. I love where I am, who I'm with, and what we are in our community of friends. But the feeling continued through going to Dutch Bros on the way home, and all of the podcasts I listened to seemed to weirdly line up (2019 Rune Soup look at astrology, Gammoweddon ep of Radio Clash, and even the exome ep of This Week in Microbiology). Everything seemed very much aimed at the past, at remembering things that had happened, properly mourning what needs to be mourned, reminiscing, and wondering about that me in the other universe who I hope exists.
I hope she's doing well, and I hope I can draw inspiration from her.
But that's not really the story here.
Upon going into Portland and ending up in the Burnside/heading east area, I got hit by what I can only describe as a wave of combined nostalgia, wistfulness, and bittersweetness. I'm still trying to figure out how to put this into words, but it felt like looking back in time to see a past or parallel me that was living in Portland, had way less possessions, and was maybe living with Katrina, or going to college, or still living with Ryan and Tyson, or maybe even just on my own? It felt like being hit in the face with my past self. Being reminded of what I loved about the city in an overwhelming and bittersweet way. Like, looking at all of the shops and the people shopping in them, and thinking, "Oh, this could be me. Or this could have been me."
I felt tossed back to college days, to moving out on my own for the first time, and the possibilities that hadn't solidified yet? Like I could have been shopping at all the little vintage shops, and eating at cafes, and not having a car, and buying small, simple, cute Christmas ornaments for my small Christmas tree. Maybe looking at a heavily romanticized version from in my head of having little money in Portland, but being happy and content? And man, it just hit me over the head like a ton of bricks. I almost felt like crying.
I don't dislike the life that I live. I love where I am, who I'm with, and what we are in our community of friends. But the feeling continued through going to Dutch Bros on the way home, and all of the podcasts I listened to seemed to weirdly line up (2019 Rune Soup look at astrology, Gammoweddon ep of Radio Clash, and even the exome ep of This Week in Microbiology). Everything seemed very much aimed at the past, at remembering things that had happened, properly mourning what needs to be mourned, reminiscing, and wondering about that me in the other universe who I hope exists.
I hope she's doing well, and I hope I can draw inspiration from her.
