A fire is burning in Bird Spirit Land

Stop trying to be fucking clever, self. The turns have tabled, and you're new to an old thing that you used to be pretty good at. Sucking at something is the first step to being kinda good at something, and all that.

So hi, been feeling the feels, missing the LJ, and then going back to look at the flaming wreckage of LJ these days and say, "Nah, I'm good." I looked back at my archive of entries, and the first time that I posted was in 2003 (everything from LJ is imported to here, I was singswithtrees on LJ). It's twenty years later, feeling sassy, hoping to write just about the weekend and about today, and not try to catch myself up on years worth of nonjournalled stuff. That's usually how I defeat any hope I have of continuing to journal, really.

Nice, quiet day off today for Memorial Day. The weather was sunny, but still a little overcast, with a breeze, not too hot. My platonic ideal of summer, as someone who hates summer. Had a nice, easy day having breakfast with my husband and my mother-in-law, working on laundry, finishing some more nalbinding while the laundry is going, and contemplating writing letters, then ultimately not writing them. Watching my critters, admiring the new little plants all coming up in our wildflower garden, and going to see the Mario movie with said husband. The film was fun! Definitely nostalgia-filled, lots of little easter eggs, but Jack Black is, as always, a national treasure.

Over the weekend, had a good time with boyfriend and his son, made up a video game with said son, went swimming, and went on a water slide for the first time since I was 8. Back to work tomorrow, alas, but until then, today is mine.

BIG THINGS ARE COMING

I went into Portland today to grab a new thermostat for Victoria. Tyson was helping me to move all of the reptile thermostats onto a pegboard for easier access, and so they weren't all just on the floor doing whatever. In the course of this, for no reason that we can discern, Victoria's stopped working. None of the pet shops here really specializes in reptiles, so I had to run into Portland to grab a new one from Pets on Broadway. Thankfully they had one in stock.

But that's not really the story here.

Upon going into Portland and ending up in the Burnside/heading east area, I got hit by what I can only describe as a wave of combined nostalgia, wistfulness, and bittersweetness. I'm still trying to figure out how to put this into words, but it felt like looking back in time to see a past or parallel me that was living in Portland, had way less possessions, and was maybe living with Katrina, or going to college, or still living with Ryan and Tyson, or maybe even just on my own? It felt like being hit in the face with my past self. Being reminded of what I loved about the city in an overwhelming and bittersweet way. Like, looking at all of the shops and the people shopping in them, and thinking, "Oh, this could be me. Or this could have been me."

I felt tossed back to college days, to moving out on my own for the first time, and the possibilities that hadn't solidified yet? Like I could have been shopping at all the little vintage shops, and eating at cafes, and not having a car, and buying small, simple, cute Christmas ornaments for my small Christmas tree. Maybe looking at a heavily romanticized version from in my head of having little money in Portland, but being happy and content? And man, it just hit me over the head like a ton of bricks. I almost felt like crying.

I don't dislike the life that I live. I love where I am, who I'm with, and what we are in our community of friends. But the feeling continued through going to Dutch Bros on the way home, and all of the podcasts I listened to seemed to weirdly line up (2019 Rune Soup look at astrology, Gammoweddon ep of Radio Clash, and even the exome ep of This Week in Microbiology). Everything seemed very much aimed at the past, at remembering things that had happened, properly mourning what needs to be mourned, reminiscing, and wondering about that me in the other universe who I hope exists.

I hope she's doing well, and I hope I can draw inspiration from her.

AKA, Molly actually updates her normal, non-RP journal. o.0

For right now, just a few pics from Kumoricon of this year. Okay, okay, I lied. A lot of pictures from Kumoricon from this year. Anything else will wait, especially seeing as how it's been such a damned long time since I've done anything here.

Anyhow, this year, Moria (whose LJ name I always forget) came over from Virginia to cosplay and hang out with us. I'd decided to give Girl Genius a little rest this year, and instead put together a young General Iroh cosplay. Moria played her Dai Li OC (actually an AU version of a different character, but that's a looooong story). medievallass played an adorable female Swampbender OC, and Tyson was a male Swampbender. :)

Pics beneath!

( Read more... )

There's also a ton more pics over here, including some adorable ones of Tyson and Hayley. :)

I also got picked to go up on the stage and "compete" in the 18+ version of the Slightly Anime Dating game, and the video is up on Youtube. You can find the playlist of the show here.

Not to repeat Katrina too much, but if you'd like to know what's been eating my brain of late, it's this:

Join Vintage Hillsboro in a benefit for the Hillsboro Historical society!
The first ever
Time Travelers Marketplace and Ball!

THIS SATURDAY October 9th!

There's going to be pirates, Victorians, civil war heroes, Jane Austin herself, steampunks aplenty and a Tardis...!
3 different bands escort us musically through the centuries as we receive dance demonstrations from the regency era to 1950s swing!
BUY ADVANCE TICKETS AND SAVE $8 a person!

www.timetravelersball.com

Look for me at the Seams Unusual/Overwrought Designs booth. Just look for all of the strange hats with birds on. You can't miss it.

I've been making hats for a trial run of selling them, to see if there's a market. At current, I only have a few photos, and preliminary ones at that, but if you'd like to take a look through them, here's a link. Warning: most of the hats feature, in the Victorian tradition, bird wings and/or skins, so if that creeps you out, you probably won't be happy looking at the pics. Anything that doesn't sell at the event (which you really should come to, if you're in the area) will go up on my new Etsy page. Links will be posted once there's something up there. I'm going by the name Overwrought Designs, and we'll see what happens!

Ramblings about gender, sex, and sexuality lie ahead. They are in no way organized, but I wanted to get it down and out in the open, where it might do some good.

Is there really a good place to start to write this sort of thing? It's such a big, broad subject that I'm half afraid that I won't do it justice, and I'm just talking about myself. Pulling you into my head and letting you see how things are may or may not work, and I'm not a big fan of exacting labels. I myself encounter so many slight shades of difference that my experience of my sex, my gender, and sexuality are slippery things to describe. I'm not satisfied with most of the words that American English has to apply to the subject, so I'm just going to write things as they come, and hope that what tumbles out is what I mean.

I am, by and large, happy with my body. I would consider myself genderqueer, though not necessarily trans anything. My body doesn't match what I am in my head, but that's mainly because in my head, I'd like to be able to switch back and forth between a male body and a female body from day to day or from partner to partner. I've had times in the past where I've wept over my physical form, and wanted desperately for it to be male. I could never really transition, though. I like my breasts and the curve of my hips as well, most days. Again, my ideal would be being able to pick and choose which primary and secondary characteristics I wanted on a given day. Broader shoulders and being a little taller would be nice some days, but in general, I'd just like the option of a flat and masculine chest, along with the genitalia that usually comes with such things, once in a while. And there are times when I'd like to be able to mix it up, and have a feminine form, but with a penis included as part of the ensemble.

In my own head, I go back and forth between the genders that my society presents me with. It's not a matter of simply being more femme one day or more butch the other, but still experiencing myself as female. Depending on the situation and on who I'm with, I may feel more like a guy or more like a woman. It's more intense if I'm with someone that I'm crushing on or in love with. There are some people that I've fallen for that I feel much more like a man with, as well as those that I feel more like a woman around. This can get frustrating if I'm, say, feeling like being a guy with someone who perceives me as female, and doesn't consider that there might be other options. With my current partner, I have my male days and my female days, and a lot of them in-between. I'm lucky in that he's both understanding of and attracted to me no matter what my presentation is on a given day, and encourages me to experiment with things.

I tend towards the femme end of the scale, whether I'm feeling male or female. I love decorating myself and emphasizing my attractive traits, and the more frippery and lace and accessories, the better, so long as the outfit or whatnot is balanced. If I were entirely male, I'd be a dandy or a fop, or an effeminate man who was a drag queen in his spare time. I'd say that it's the closest thing to a solid identity that I go for--being a bi or pansexual guy who likes dressing up a lot, and who happens to have breasts and female bits. I was raised to be practical, and for the most part, I am. My mom is a woman who's most comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt, keeps her hair short, and wears no makeup. I'm glad that I was raised with her as a primary influence, but I think that the practicality that she taught me backfired when I went through college and started to figure out what I liked on my own, and where my identity started and where she ended. I adore many, many femmey, floaty, and ruffly things, as well as the classic 1940s and 50s pinup girl look, and like that I have the curves to carry it off.

It's not to say that I don't have my jeans and t-shirt, simple days. They do happen, and I like comfort almost as much as I like fancy. Usually on such days, I don't care how I come off, or want to be taken as a guy. There are also times where I'll intentionally fuck with people, and wear something feminine but pack, or something masculine, but wear lipstick.

A few months ago now, Tyson and I were having a talk in the shower, and he asked me how I would have ended up if he'd been a jerk about things and insisted that I conform to one gender presentation or another, instead of encouraging me to do as I feel. I had to think about it for a while, but through talking with him further, we agreed that I would most likely have ended up transitioning to being male, including the top surgery and hormones. We both also agreed that I probably wouldn't have been completely happy that way, much as I would be dissatisfied if forced to conform to presenting as and being female all the time. For happiness to be present, I need that fluidity.

It's not about indecisiveness. At least with gender presentation, it's about the theatre of it all. As RuPaul said, "We're born naked. Everything else is drag." I'm fascinated by this language that the culture of the United States speaks, and how strictly it divides things. You're fine to play with the other gender's things so long as you're still "masculine enough" or "feminine enough", or so long as you express it in terms of camp, as drag kings and queens do. I'm more fascinated by and attracted to the extremes of gender presentation than I often am to the middle ground, and tend to be attracted to those who know how to use gender presentation as a costume, so to speak. Those who understand the language of gender and can perform it well, whether male or female, and regardless of their physical sex, are the people that I crush on more often than not. For me, gender is an act, and one that's fun to take apart and put back together in ways that work for me. I don't want one or the other as what I'm stuck with forever. I want both, and some days I want neither.

I'm starting to feel a little woozy now that the caffeine is starting to wear off, but still want to try and get something of worth put down before I completely go off into slumberland. Hello! Remember me? I have not, in fact, disappeared off the face of the earth, as may commonly be assumed!

I've just been hellishly busy. medievallass graduated from PCC with her Associates in June, and since then, I've been running from one place to another to another without much reprieve. It's been fun, though! Tyson, medievallass, sternthemonster, Josh, schmot_gurl, and I went to the Oregon Country Fair together, and that was wonderful. The music was good, as was the food, and we camped right next to a lake, which was a godsend in the early morning and late evenings. And we ran into tsukara on the Saturday, and went out to dinner with her, and much enjoyment was had.

After that, I ended up taking a trip down to San Francisco to visit schmot_gurl and help top her into unpacking the last of the boxes that needed to be unpacked from her move in March. Much yummy food was had, and I went rock climbing for the first time! Granted, I only got about eight feet off the ground, and it was indoors at a gym, but still a lot of fun and a good challenge! I still have the bruises to prove it.

Right now, my life is taken up with preparations for Kumoricon. I'm working on writing the script for this year's Girl Genius play, as well as revamping my Mamma Gkika costume, and planning for a brand-new tattoo, to be gotten on the last day of con. Perhaps something a little more in-depth later, but in the meantime, ( here's some pics from OCF! )

And if you'd like to see the rest of the awesome pics from Stern, you can here.

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I'm pretty concerned, truth be told. Reading through some of the rest of the answers to this question, I am dismayed at the number of people who seem to think that global warming is a hoax, or is not affected at all by human activities. To me, this opinion seems more informed by self-interest and by a reluctance to look the facts in the face and see what's going on around one. It's not a pretty thing to hear, and even if only some of it is affected by human actions, the facts still stand: fossil fuels pollute, species are going extinct due to human encroachment, and the human population is expanding far too quickly to be sustainable.

I don't believe that the climate trend can be reversed. It's too late for that, and even if something were to be done by governments, corporations, and individuals alike, I don't know how much of it we could stave off. The best answer is to prepare for the worst, and hope for the best, and in the meantime, stop hiding from our own responsibilities.

And I don't have a whole lot to say, except a quote:

"Life rewards those who move in the direction of greatest courage."

Sigh. I really ought to be asleep. Really I ought to be. But I can't quite get comfortable, so I decided to see if perhaps a little updating of my journal might aide in the natural process of falling asleep. With any luck, I'll even make it back to bed, and avoid snoozing at the brand shiny new computer desk.

The front room of the apartment is kind of messy right now, but that's fine, because this weekend, Tyson and I went out to IKEA and got the supplies for a tiltable drafting table and an L-shaped computer desk that holds both my and medievallass' computers, plus the scanner. We've also got some spiffy new storage shelves right above the computers, and some nice LED lights in little strips and disks. They're vaguely futuristic, and kind of cute at the same time.

I'm easily distracted of late, and I'm not sure what that's about. Spring, the changeable weather, perhaps a vague yearning for OCF? I'm not certain, but it's landed me in the middle of two books, and I don't get nearly as much done as I want to, as evidenced by my continued lack of posting to drabble tennis in summations. The spirit is willing, but the flesh gets distracted and says, "Ooo, shiny!" There's also the fact that this coming month is probably going to be pretty busy. This Friday I'm going with seams_unusual to Liberty High School's production of "Batboy the Musical", Theatre in the Grove is doing "Chicago", Tyson's 30th birthday is on the 13th, Vagabond Opera's opera, "Queen of Knives", opens in a week, along with the usual suspects, like Faire in the Grove, Tortuga, the monthly Rose City Steampunks meetup, and Vamp and AD&D game. It'll be fun, but if I'm not around as much as I'd like, that's probably why. I'll be lucky to make it out of May alive and in one piece, I think.

But cleaning the Apartment of Iniquity for a tea party continues apace, and hopefully things will be semi-organized in time for us to actually have one.

And random thing: today, on the MAX on the way home, a woman who was getting off of the train came up to me and told me that I was beautiful. I had my hair up in a bun-type thing, and I was wearing the vest that Katrina made me for Christmas, along with a white blouse and a brown skirt. I was quite flattered by the attention, especially since I was looking and feeling a little ragged after a day at work and at the grocery store after that. It's always nice to be told that I'm attractive. ^_^

Off to bed, now. Hopefully this "sleep" thing will kick in. Good night/morning, everyone!