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Sex, Gender, and Me--the Rambling Edition
Aug. 6th, 2010 01:48 amRamblings about gender, sex, and sexuality lie ahead. They are in no way organized, but I wanted to get it down and out in the open, where it might do some good.
Is there really a good place to start to write this sort of thing? It's such a big, broad subject that I'm half afraid that I won't do it justice, and I'm just talking about myself. Pulling you into my head and letting you see how things are may or may not work, and I'm not a big fan of exacting labels. I myself encounter so many slight shades of difference that my experience of my sex, my gender, and sexuality are slippery things to describe. I'm not satisfied with most of the words that American English has to apply to the subject, so I'm just going to write things as they come, and hope that what tumbles out is what I mean.
I am, by and large, happy with my body. I would consider myself genderqueer, though not necessarily trans anything. My body doesn't match what I am in my head, but that's mainly because in my head, I'd like to be able to switch back and forth between a male body and a female body from day to day or from partner to partner. I've had times in the past where I've wept over my physical form, and wanted desperately for it to be male. I could never really transition, though. I like my breasts and the curve of my hips as well, most days. Again, my ideal would be being able to pick and choose which primary and secondary characteristics I wanted on a given day. Broader shoulders and being a little taller would be nice some days, but in general, I'd just like the option of a flat and masculine chest, along with the genitalia that usually comes with such things, once in a while. And there are times when I'd like to be able to mix it up, and have a feminine form, but with a penis included as part of the ensemble.
In my own head, I go back and forth between the genders that my society presents me with. It's not a matter of simply being more femme one day or more butch the other, but still experiencing myself as female. Depending on the situation and on who I'm with, I may feel more like a guy or more like a woman. It's more intense if I'm with someone that I'm crushing on or in love with. There are some people that I've fallen for that I feel much more like a man with, as well as those that I feel more like a woman around. This can get frustrating if I'm, say, feeling like being a guy with someone who perceives me as female, and doesn't consider that there might be other options. With my current partner, I have my male days and my female days, and a lot of them in-between. I'm lucky in that he's both understanding of and attracted to me no matter what my presentation is on a given day, and encourages me to experiment with things.
I tend towards the femme end of the scale, whether I'm feeling male or female. I love decorating myself and emphasizing my attractive traits, and the more frippery and lace and accessories, the better, so long as the outfit or whatnot is balanced. If I were entirely male, I'd be a dandy or a fop, or an effeminate man who was a drag queen in his spare time. I'd say that it's the closest thing to a solid identity that I go for--being a bi or pansexual guy who likes dressing up a lot, and who happens to have breasts and female bits. I was raised to be practical, and for the most part, I am. My mom is a woman who's most comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt, keeps her hair short, and wears no makeup. I'm glad that I was raised with her as a primary influence, but I think that the practicality that she taught me backfired when I went through college and started to figure out what I liked on my own, and where my identity started and where she ended. I adore many, many femmey, floaty, and ruffly things, as well as the classic 1940s and 50s pinup girl look, and like that I have the curves to carry it off.
It's not to say that I don't have my jeans and t-shirt, simple days. They do happen, and I like comfort almost as much as I like fancy. Usually on such days, I don't care how I come off, or want to be taken as a guy. There are also times where I'll intentionally fuck with people, and wear something feminine but pack, or something masculine, but wear lipstick.
A few months ago now, Tyson and I were having a talk in the shower, and he asked me how I would have ended up if he'd been a jerk about things and insisted that I conform to one gender presentation or another, instead of encouraging me to do as I feel. I had to think about it for a while, but through talking with him further, we agreed that I would most likely have ended up transitioning to being male, including the top surgery and hormones. We both also agreed that I probably wouldn't have been completely happy that way, much as I would be dissatisfied if forced to conform to presenting as and being female all the time. For happiness to be present, I need that fluidity.
It's not about indecisiveness. At least with gender presentation, it's about the theatre of it all. As RuPaul said, "We're born naked. Everything else is drag." I'm fascinated by this language that the culture of the United States speaks, and how strictly it divides things. You're fine to play with the other gender's things so long as you're still "masculine enough" or "feminine enough", or so long as you express it in terms of camp, as drag kings and queens do. I'm more fascinated by and attracted to the extremes of gender presentation than I often am to the middle ground, and tend to be attracted to those who know how to use gender presentation as a costume, so to speak. Those who understand the language of gender and can perform it well, whether male or female, and regardless of their physical sex, are the people that I crush on more often than not. For me, gender is an act, and one that's fun to take apart and put back together in ways that work for me. I don't want one or the other as what I'm stuck with forever. I want both, and some days I want neither.
Is there really a good place to start to write this sort of thing? It's such a big, broad subject that I'm half afraid that I won't do it justice, and I'm just talking about myself. Pulling you into my head and letting you see how things are may or may not work, and I'm not a big fan of exacting labels. I myself encounter so many slight shades of difference that my experience of my sex, my gender, and sexuality are slippery things to describe. I'm not satisfied with most of the words that American English has to apply to the subject, so I'm just going to write things as they come, and hope that what tumbles out is what I mean.
I am, by and large, happy with my body. I would consider myself genderqueer, though not necessarily trans anything. My body doesn't match what I am in my head, but that's mainly because in my head, I'd like to be able to switch back and forth between a male body and a female body from day to day or from partner to partner. I've had times in the past where I've wept over my physical form, and wanted desperately for it to be male. I could never really transition, though. I like my breasts and the curve of my hips as well, most days. Again, my ideal would be being able to pick and choose which primary and secondary characteristics I wanted on a given day. Broader shoulders and being a little taller would be nice some days, but in general, I'd just like the option of a flat and masculine chest, along with the genitalia that usually comes with such things, once in a while. And there are times when I'd like to be able to mix it up, and have a feminine form, but with a penis included as part of the ensemble.
In my own head, I go back and forth between the genders that my society presents me with. It's not a matter of simply being more femme one day or more butch the other, but still experiencing myself as female. Depending on the situation and on who I'm with, I may feel more like a guy or more like a woman. It's more intense if I'm with someone that I'm crushing on or in love with. There are some people that I've fallen for that I feel much more like a man with, as well as those that I feel more like a woman around. This can get frustrating if I'm, say, feeling like being a guy with someone who perceives me as female, and doesn't consider that there might be other options. With my current partner, I have my male days and my female days, and a lot of them in-between. I'm lucky in that he's both understanding of and attracted to me no matter what my presentation is on a given day, and encourages me to experiment with things.
I tend towards the femme end of the scale, whether I'm feeling male or female. I love decorating myself and emphasizing my attractive traits, and the more frippery and lace and accessories, the better, so long as the outfit or whatnot is balanced. If I were entirely male, I'd be a dandy or a fop, or an effeminate man who was a drag queen in his spare time. I'd say that it's the closest thing to a solid identity that I go for--being a bi or pansexual guy who likes dressing up a lot, and who happens to have breasts and female bits. I was raised to be practical, and for the most part, I am. My mom is a woman who's most comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt, keeps her hair short, and wears no makeup. I'm glad that I was raised with her as a primary influence, but I think that the practicality that she taught me backfired when I went through college and started to figure out what I liked on my own, and where my identity started and where she ended. I adore many, many femmey, floaty, and ruffly things, as well as the classic 1940s and 50s pinup girl look, and like that I have the curves to carry it off.
It's not to say that I don't have my jeans and t-shirt, simple days. They do happen, and I like comfort almost as much as I like fancy. Usually on such days, I don't care how I come off, or want to be taken as a guy. There are also times where I'll intentionally fuck with people, and wear something feminine but pack, or something masculine, but wear lipstick.
A few months ago now, Tyson and I were having a talk in the shower, and he asked me how I would have ended up if he'd been a jerk about things and insisted that I conform to one gender presentation or another, instead of encouraging me to do as I feel. I had to think about it for a while, but through talking with him further, we agreed that I would most likely have ended up transitioning to being male, including the top surgery and hormones. We both also agreed that I probably wouldn't have been completely happy that way, much as I would be dissatisfied if forced to conform to presenting as and being female all the time. For happiness to be present, I need that fluidity.
It's not about indecisiveness. At least with gender presentation, it's about the theatre of it all. As RuPaul said, "We're born naked. Everything else is drag." I'm fascinated by this language that the culture of the United States speaks, and how strictly it divides things. You're fine to play with the other gender's things so long as you're still "masculine enough" or "feminine enough", or so long as you express it in terms of camp, as drag kings and queens do. I'm more fascinated by and attracted to the extremes of gender presentation than I often am to the middle ground, and tend to be attracted to those who know how to use gender presentation as a costume, so to speak. Those who understand the language of gender and can perform it well, whether male or female, and regardless of their physical sex, are the people that I crush on more often than not. For me, gender is an act, and one that's fun to take apart and put back together in ways that work for me. I don't want one or the other as what I'm stuck with forever. I want both, and some days I want neither.
